I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
