I wish I could punch you in the face.
high people should be assigned attendants
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Houston, we have a squirter
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
