He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
