do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I love you.
Bad choice
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
