Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
