My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
