He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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