I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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