Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
