Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
