Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
