This dress was meant to end up on your floor
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
