My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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