Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
