I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
