Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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