I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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