she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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