TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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