happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
