New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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