forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
