Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
