Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
