Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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