I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
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Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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