three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
