Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
