i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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