Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
