I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
