So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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