If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
