Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
