At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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