I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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