I faked an abortion last night.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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