I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Don't make out with my wife yet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
