Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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