She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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