I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I am one with the molecules
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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