Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
