I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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