i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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