he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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