Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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