and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize