I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize