Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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