I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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