I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
