Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As shirtless as possible
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She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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