Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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