i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
