dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
