what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
