When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
